The Lonely of Leadership
I had the privilege of facilitating a leadership conversation with our district’s literacy leaders last week and a comment by a wise and inspiring teacher leader has caused me to pause this week and think a little more. She shared in her leadership journey of supporting shifts in instructional practice with members of her planning team that leadership can be lonely at times.
I connected her words to a quote I recently read from Jon Maxwell which states that, “You cannot lead people if you NEED people.”
Leadership is lonely. The silence that comes after nudging a new norm or going against long standing traditions can be isolating and hurtful. When those you thought might be bold enough to stand strong relinquish, break eye contact, and fall away, it can make you question the worthiness of the cause. Perhaps even asking yourself, is this worth it? Is jeopardizing my relationships worth it? Leaders land on the realization that perhaps these relationships are more dysfunctional than functional. These relationships work as long as we are not asking for any kind of commitment that may lead to their discomfort. The loneliness of leadership can mean getting real about relationships and their purpose in your life.
Harder yet, standing firm in your leadership will also open you to criticism and judgment that is almost always misplaced fear and emotion from those doing the critiquing. Because leaders are human, we will be tempted to take in these judgements as truths and will struggle with self doubt that will require some working through. This “working through” is an important part of a leader’s ability to stay aligned to their morals and values. They own areas where improvements can be made and let go of the unresolved emotions of others they cannot control. They recognize that judgements often say more about the other person than they do us. Naturally, as humans we seek acceptance and value in the eyes of others. Leaders master the daily practice of reflection so they don’t fall prey to the pressures of seeking acceptance and value through preserving dysfunctional relationships that are misaligned and confusing to those that are ready to rally the change alongside us. The loneliness of leadership comes from acknowledging that others may be highly focused on silencing our passions and purpose.
I can’t help but wonder if the leadership crisis we are facing in our world at this time is directly connected to our increased ability to be affirmed, accepted, and seen at all times of the day through social media. The slippery slope occurs when this ability becomes a “need.” A need to be constantly reminded that we are valued, liked, and accepted in the eyes of others, also known as our “friends and followers.” When this need for constant affirmation and acceptance takes over, it’s no wonder we become so afraid of the loneliness of leadership, afraid of standing out and standing up, afraid of the diminishing likes and loves.
My hope is to encourage you to sit in the silence and learn all you can while you are there. On the other side of the silence are beautiful people ready to try, change, grow, challenge, inspire, and innovate. Remember these people when the urge to step back and make everyone comfortable and happy creeps in again. Finding your sense of comfort in the silent times brings the hope of innovation and the promise of a new future. We are called to love others and loving others means helping them find peace and comfort in the new, different, and uncertain.
On the other side of loneliness, is life. The life you were called to create.